Hope.
4 weeks ago, my hope was low. I was so lost within the clouds that had descended with depersonalisation that I couldn’t see a future for myself anymore. I really couldn’t.
Here’s a little more about what depersonalisation is if you haven’t read my previous work :
https://medium.com/@berry.beau/depersonalisation-derealisation-again-7fab43c42b8d
I was lost, in every single sense of the word. I’m still not “found” — I still have DP but I’m learning that there’s now hope. I’m a little less scared and I think I might have a nice future ahead of me, maybe, hopefully; (well at least I’m now working towards that).
Looking back now, I think for a very long time I was using avoidance to try and quell the anxiety that likes to visit me sometimes (I will no longer say “my anxiety” because it’s NOT mine); I was staying at home a LOT, gigs weren’t happening so my social circle was seemingly fading and I’d opt for just a video chat with someone vs actually going out for a coffee. I was unknowingly fencing myself in day by day. I wouldn’t go out without a support person anymore (not that I’m really doing too much of that now), I stopped driving my car “incase I panic”, I stopped songwriting and started just scrolling instagram, I wasn’t practising, only exercising a tiny bit but in turn cleaning a house top to toe that nobody was visiting — why? AVOIDANCE. That’s why.
And then came 3 panic attacks, one after the other; I felt I couldn’t breathe, I felt my heart rate go through the roof, I ran! I ran straight home to this “safe place” but the place no longer felt safe all of a sudden — because depersonalisation jumped into my mind and it’s been there ever since. BUT — and this is a big BUT — I have now been pushed. The DP isn’t responsible as such, but I’m now realising through my struggle that I need a CHANGE. And I want it. And it’s ME who’s giving it to myself.
Instead of being hyped on caffeine and cleaning my house; I’m now exercising, songwriting, I’ve quit caffine, I’m seeing a therapist (who promised me things will improve and she gives me SO much hope of recovery), I’m seeing my family more, I’m doing photoshoots whilst walking through scary sewers (more on that later lol), I’m having a wine & going out with my friend without a “support person”! I’m starting to LIVE.
I imagine that I was a little flower bud -before I hit rock bottom- my petals were tight, so tight hugged up around me that I couldn’t see from the shadows that the petals provided me — I then got DP and it’s been scary, uncomfortable, terrifying and bluntly shaken me up but the flower is starting to bloom.
As my therapist said yesterday — it’s not DP that gets credit for this though; it’s me. It’s my resilience, it’s my CHOICE to get better and I’d never thought of it like that, my mind was blown. I just thought “oh I better try and make myself forget about DP with distraction” but these are the things I need to learn; that I actually AM IN CONTROL. I thought control didn’t exist before therapy, I really believed that anything could spiral at any second, but as my therapist said, I CAN control things. I have choices. MY choices. I can choose to not panic by lowering my heart rate and breathing, I didn’t know this before- I just thought panic happened and I was it’s little bitch? Once again, I’m learning these things now.
I have extremely low self confidence, in my own mind, in my abilities to heal and share healing, in my music, in my body etc. My therapist also pointed out “you’ve said sorry to me about 6 times in the past few minutes”, I never really noticed this. So, there’s work to do. And I’m going to do it.
I am going to thrive in this life, I might have some struggles but it’s my CHOICE to keep going, to move forward and to live a life FULL of creativity, FULL of activities & FULL of resilience.
I WILL reach my dreams of performing as a front woman again.
Of being unapologetically MYSELF. Confident in myself.
Flying to Europe and touring (and eating a croissant in Paris. ;) )
I’ll own a damn cute home and LOVE entertaining in it.
I’ll be an amazing therapist. I will run a beautiful business and be the HOPE for people who have struggled just like me.
I’ll paint, draw, create, song write, make vlogs, bake, design my home & exercise.
I have a long life to live yet, I’m young and I am writing this all down here to prove that I now have HOPE. I urge you, whoever you are, to do the same. Why are you alive? What do you want out of this life? Are you squeezing it like a big juicy lemon or living on the couch watching instastories because it’s too scary to face things?
It takes a lot for me to be this honest. I probably didn’t even know that I was struggling in this way myself until everything became “unstuck”. I hope someone out there finds hope in this.
Again, I’m not 100% there, and maybe you’re not too — and maybe 100% may never arrive, but happiness, contentment and pride are all in our futures, just hold on to see it.
x
www.instagram.com/thelifeprojectclinic
