DPDR dip & inositol side effects
So, I had a massive feeling of “a set back” this past week. And Yup. I fully bought into it, freaking out about the feeling x 10000. And I’m sorry if this post isn’t well written, I’m still on struggle street.
To recap what’s been going on, 1.5 weeks ago I took a “vitamin” called inositol, apparently it’s very good for people with anxiety & depression so I was like “yeah, why not” BUT what I didn’t know is that it’s quite heavily contraindicated for people with ADHD, something I’ve recently been diagnosed with…. anyway, I took the inositol which sent my body into what felt like almost hyper speed thoughts… my body couldn’t seem to relax and I was just hit with dp thought after dp thought and then of course, I fell down the rabbit hole and started googling & being terrified of this feeling (aka: breaking 2 massive rules there = googling, and terror).
I’d also gone off St Johns Wort for a few weeks coupled with hyperfocus on different subjects and not allowing my body to rest (does anyone else google the crap out of a subject from their waking moment to their sleeping one? without much of a break? Or is this just ADHD/OCD stuff?). Anyway, basically I was doing old habits, sitting at home on google and not diversifying my activities and keeping my mind more calm (things like meditation, exercise, yoga, seeing friends, baking, music etc).
THEN, my period was due which is often a bit of a dpdr trigger and it just culminated to a “DP storm”….
I was at rehearsal and everything felt weird and freaky all of a sudden, I tried to be present with my band mates but everything felt TERRIFYING! I sat in the back seat with the child lock on the doors on the way home because “what if my thoughts come true and I jump out of the car on the highway”…. how silly and OCD is that? I did that back in 2013 when I had a bad case of DP…. I also became scared of knives incase I’d stab people… all sorts of irrational thoughts…. A lot of them now are “what if I’m dead” “old people are scary cause they’re gonna die” “am I real” “what if aliens are watching us and we’re nothing” “will I wake up and it’s all a dream” — over and over again…..
That was all about a week ago and tbh, I’m up and down now. I’m at my parents house whilst my partner is working because I don’t like being home alone and last night I had a HUGE panic attack before bed about feeling sick and worrying I was going to vomit, my tummy is all unsettled from anxiety (and maybe a little from going back on st johns wort too)… My mum slept next to me, which is embarrrasing for a 20something year old to admit but I don’t care, it’s just reality.
SO; things I’m doing to get out of this hole.
I’ve booked a session with Shaun O’Connor — the author of the DP manual which helped me so much until I fell down the rabbit hole the other week. I’m looking forward to hearing his thoughts. I’m also listening to his audio book and meditation again AND I’ve printed out his schedule to follow. I’m trying not to google DPDR but fuck it’s hard isn’t it…. but I’m going to do it.
(One thing I know is getting out of DPDR is so dependant on will power, it’s really gotta come from WITHIN. You need to want it so bad. I do though. Saying this is triggering but it’s true.)
I’ve started St Johns Wort again, it helped so much last time and here’s hoping it will help again (remember to check with your doctor before trying St Johns Wort as it can interact with other meds).
I’ve started running, when I say STARTED, I mean, I’ve done 1 run yesterday for 10mins and I felt as though I may die… hahaha. It was SO HARD. I did 10mins (2km). I was worried I’d spew or faint but I kinda just rode it out and yeah, that was that. The goal is running daily (every morning) and then HIIT or yoga on consecutive days.
I’m planning to meditate 1–2x a day. Also this is a weird one, but I’ve started the Wim Hof Method; it’s a strange breathing technique (it made me quite dizzy and that was scary to me but I persisted) mixed with COLD water therapy… because I’m in Australia the cold water isn’t very shocking lol, but I’ll keep trying it. I might even source out an ice bath soon, it’s hard to think scary thoughts when you’re freezing your titties off, I can’t lie! LOL. With all that I’m doing some PMR (progressive muscle release), TRE exercises & vagus nerve exercises… I think they help a little. + grounding like ice on my skin, smelling strong essential oils and trying to get out walking in nature with my sunnies on. (sunnies seem to help with the fear idk why).
I’m reading the Dare Response book, wow, it’s interesting. Basically it involves sitting with what ever feelings, thoughts, and just being all “MEH” about them. It’s good so far, I do feel the slightest sense of relief from reading it so far. If you buy into the thoughts too much, then you fight them, just have a sense of surrender and acceptance and it truly does seem to help. “I feel really depersonalized right now” “oh well, who cares” “but, I do” “ok but what if you just let it be?” “OH… ummm” … and it comes up again and then you do the cycle again until the brain strengthens that pathway and eventually, stops asking.
And lastly, just reminding myself at intervals that DP is only the “freeze” response in the “fight, flight, flee, freeze and fawn” cycle. That’s it. I’ve overloaded my body, it’s stuck in freeze for the minute, but I can come out of that, I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.
A REALLYYYY weird thing that helps me sometimes is listening to country music, WHAT? HAHA. I just like how simple the lyrics are and sometimes it’s just nice and easy to listen to and have a boogie to. A very strange recommendation.
Things I’d LIKE to do is more music creation, painting, getting out again with freinds, strangers etc. Flying (bit hard atm for obvs reasons). Swimming in nature. Maybe I’d like to change my life up and live in a cabin at some point too — weird ones like that but I think a change of pace could honestly be so nice. I also might have to stop helping others on the internet with DPDR and just back away from the subject completely for a few years…. I’m not sure about this yet but I really wonder if it’s best to just move on with my life with it now.
ANYWAY- things I’m holding faith in right now are;
- leaning on family, friends, partners etc is OK. Lean. Community is real and helpful even if your mind is trying to tell you it’s not (because DP makes you feel isolated).
- I’m safe and protected by my ancestors, god & nature (just my beliefs but we all have our own of course).
- I am safe. I get shaky on this but I try to just come back to that point.
- I’m going to lead a beautiful life in the future, do all the things I’ve ever dreamed of and more. This is just a blip.
So yeah, it’s 11:30am and I’m pretty tired after only 5 hours broken sleep due to last nights panic attack but I might try and get somethings done :)
I hope this latest blog helps someone who might be struggling out there, even if it doesn’t I enjoy reading them for my own progress down the track.
X Em.
P.s. I should also mention, when scary thoughts are happening and I feel unsure on what to do/act on/believe in… I try to think of my values. A core part of us. “Does this align with my values…. if so, yes I’ll do it”, “this doesn’t align with my values, so no thanks”. It doesn’t always feel that helpful but in the long run of retraining your brain, I think it goes quite far.
#depersonalization #depersonalisation #dpdr #selfwork #freezeresponse #anxiety
